I have been very withdrawn the last few days and not really done much at all. I thought the Red-flanked Bluetail had jogged me into normality, but this was only a temporary blip.
Today I went to Tescos and did a huge food shop. I have not been to the supermarket since way before my father died. I have been living off junk food and anything that I can find in the kitchen, anything to avoid going to the supermarket and doing anything 'normal'. Toast and jam, digestive biscuits with cheese, eggs and baked beans and toast! Alot of toast! No vegetables or anything remotely healthy whatsoever!
Its almost like I don't want to go back to normality and routine – I feel like I'm brushing my feelings and thoughts to one side and I don't actually want to brush them aside. I suppose this is all part of the grieving process. Life has to go on and all that jazz. My mother is still very low in mood and can bring herself to leave the house yet.
I am returning to work on Monday, so that will be a big fat return to normality and routine! My feelings and thoughts will have to be shelved whilst I'm working. Its going to be difficult, I have been off work for so long – we had to wait such a long time for the funeral.
There are still several things to do regarding my father's death – donations to collect/sort, acknowledgements obviously need to be written for the 'Eastern Daily Press' and 'Your Local Paper' and most importantly we have not decided where to scatter the ashes yet and what memorial we would like. Its so difficult, as father requested "no clergy, no priests, no flowers, no hymns...." and yet my parents got married in Holme Church! As my sister Vivien said.... his clear message of not wanting anything religious at the funeral, would I presume mean that he did not want to end up in the churchyard! Holme churchyard is so peaceful and overlooks the marshes and The Firs House and the observatory where he worked – this is where I would like him to be. Its where I want to end up, I married here, I went to the primary school next door to the church, its where my roots are. But, its about what he wants. I can see our family ending up in several different places! But, then I suppose it doesn't really matter, as the 'Clarke' family tree ends when we do, as none of us have children!
On a positive note, I haggled to get my new car insurance down today, which I succeeded with and saved £38! Other positives: the weather is fabulous, Spring is here, birds are starting to arrive and that mega is only just round the corner!